Katrina 24/7: Fear

This past Monday was my 25th birthday! Woo hooo for birthdays!! Although, this one came with a bit of stigma. I'm half way to 50, a quarter of the way to 100 and I asked myself, "am I where I want to be at 25?" And the answer is obvious, "no, I am nowhere close to where I want to be at the age of 25" and this scares me; this scares me so bad. It is such an ugly reality check.

In response to this ugly reality, I have asked myself so many questions. These questions include:
~What exactly do I want to do "when I grow up"?
~What do I have to do to get there?
~Am I the person/mother/girlfriend I want to be?
~Do I do my best everyday?
~Do I strive to do even better with everyday?
~Am I happy?
~How do I love?
~Do I love myself?
~In what areas can I change and improve?
But the question that got my really thinking was, "What do I fear?"

It turns out I fear a lot of things. Interestingly, most of the things I fear involves uncertainty. Most people fear what they cannot control, and I am definitely one of them. I fear losing my son, my family, and loved ones to death. There have been many a night I wake up crying. I'm not talking about a few tears in my eyes. I'm talking about my pillow is soaked as the tears fall streaming down my face. Apparently, I fear being chased because I have many nightmares of people, things, creatures, chasing me. I'm not sure what those dreams really mean.

Another major thing I fear is loneliness. Don't get me wrong, I love my solitude, but I fear loneliness. I fear having nobody to turn to when I need someone the most. I fear feeling like I'm the only one looking out for me. I know that I have many people around me who love me and care for me. But, I still fear loneliness. Odd, I know.

My biggest fear, however, is extremely daunting. I fear not getting to where I want to be "when I grow up". I'm can only pray that I am on the road HE wants me to be on. It's frightening because where I am right now is nowhere close to where I ever thought I would be. When I graduated high school, I always said, "I should be doing ______ by the time I turn 25",
"I need to be close to _______ when I turn 25". Well, now, 25 is here and I feel like I don't even see the road I'm supposed to be on. I have considered that perhaps I am on the road I should be on, but there is just a lot of brush and thick trees in the way so I don't exactly have a clear sight of my road. But either way, I fear not being where I'm supposed to be; I fear I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing; I fear not ever getting to where I want to be. I fear I'll never be as successful as I want to be. I fear I won't be able to support my family. I fear I won't reach my full potential.

This fear makes me think that I need a major change. This fear makes me wonder if I should completely change my job. But that in itself is another fear in this economy. Suppose I don't find something. So I think I am best off where I am and what I'm doing at this point in time. This fear also makes me think that I should change my environment. Perhaps it's not only time for a change of environment from my "9-5", but maybe I should also change my 24/7. I have considered moving... but the thought of moving is a fear in itself.

All of these fears cause for extreme headaches. I know it is important not to worry. As my pastor said this past weekend, "If you worry about things you can't change, then you're dumb. If you worry about things that can change, then you're lazy". So I need to worry less, fear less and continue to pray more. I know none of this is in my power, but as humans it is hard to diminish all fears and eliminate all worry. All we can do is strive to do better everyday.

Do you have fears? What are they? What are you doing to fear less? Are they reasonable fears, or are they irrational? It is important to take some time to self-reflect and figure these things out from time to time.

As for this post's taste of music, it doesn't directly relate to fear. But, there are two reasons I chose this one. 1) I love her and 2) I love this track and it makes me wonder if I need to act upon my need for change... maybe one day you may find me there... enjoy!