Giving Thanks

Since yesterday was Thanksgiving, I feel it necessary to give my thanks. Yesterday was a very interesting day (interesting in that it was unexpectedly extremely emotional). But, by the time I lay my head to rest, there were many things to be thankful for.

I am thankful for:
~ my large, loud, Filipino family.
It's always a good time when my family gets together. But yesterday, I sat back and actually watched my family eat and have fun with each other. The older group parks in the formal dining room where all you hear is Tagalog chit chat and chismis (gossip). You hear uproars of laughter and then it gets really quiet as if they're telling each other secrets.
In the kitchen there are three opened bottles of wine, a large, Costco sized bottle of Skye vodka barely touched and other beverages going around. People talking about how good the ribs are and if they saw the yummy Red Velvet cheesecake in the fridge.
Then, in the less formal dining area sits the younger group of the family; all the cousins and such. All female, you know all they're doing is gossiping and talking about past events and future events approaching. How did the Kat's birthday party go? Wedding details for my cousin's wedding this coming June. Laughing about all the firefighters that will be there (she's marrying a firefighter). And as we all laugh about the potentially hot firefighters, we look around the table and realize that all but one of us are in relationships and that causes yet another uproar of laughter.
On the living room floor you find the kids making a mess. Fighting over the Lego's and the pull toy dog, and the trucks, and cars, and other various toys TJ owns. You hear their littler chatter as they narrate what they're building and the stories behind what they're doing. Then the occasional quarrel breaks out and one of the adults steps in and tells them to share and play nice (usually addressed to my son... we're working on that... :]) And then they simultaneously pause their play to tune into the movie playing on TV.
...and for all of that I am so very thankful!

~my beautiful son
Yesterday I realized that he is finally out of the terrible two's, but some of it still lingers. Those leftovers I have chalked up and accepted that it's part of his personality and we're going to have to work on that. Yesterday my mom's, college friend's, daughter's, daughter was playing with my son. He's 3, she's 4. They would play along fine for a little bit. They would chase after one another and play whatever imagination games they've got going on. And then something rubbed my son the wrong way and he'd want to keep all of his toys and not share. We told him to share, he said sorry to her, and gave her big hugs and kisses.
My son is rowdy and a bit selfish at times. But, he's also very caring and he loves a lot. He's a bit rough when he plays, but he's a boy and that's natural. He's defiant and yet so giving all at once. He has his little quarks that make him who he is. Yes, we will work on the playing well with others part and the sharing part. He is, after all, only 3 so I figure we've got time for all of that. But for the most part, he's a great kid and although the circumstances aren't ideal, I wouldn't give him up for anything and there are absolutely no regrets around him.
...and for his beautiful spirit and love I am so very thankful!

Lastly,
~my wonderful boyfriend
We didn't start Thanksgiving in the most pleasant of ways (I take fault for not approaching my issue with tact, sorry). At one point during the day I didn't want to hear his voice to see him or anything. But something in me told me to still go over there and have Thanksgiving lunch with him and his mom. Before I left, we hugged, kissed, and I shed a few tears and I headed back home for Thanksgiving at my house. He said he was going to try to come, but I knew he wasn't going to make it. Something wasn't settling properly. Then before I went to bed, we had a long talk. We were able to actually talk rather than fight and sort things out to where we have a better understanding for each other.
I woke up this morning very grateful for the man in my life. At one point yesterday I was ready to throw my hands up and just call it quits. I have grown weary of bickering. It's not any fun and it's putting a damper on my spirits. But, this morning I realized that we are able to talk through anything. We are able to be mature adults about things. We want to grow with one another. Both of us WANT to learn and understand each other better. Our love for each other is so great that we only want for us to work out. If we can continue to walk this way through and through, then we will be just fine.
...and for my loving boyfriend I am so very thankful!

There are many more things I am grateful for (like wonderful friends) that I didn't mention here. These are the things that I realized I am so thankful for because of Thanksgiving Day.

It is interesting how one day can open your eyes to so many blessings. I know I am blessed everyday. However, there are days where the sight of my blessings are blurry. It's important to clear away the resentment, the pessimism, and the bad feeling in order to see and focus on all the good in your life. Things always seem greener on the other side, but that's because you fail to see how green it is right under your feet.

You are blessed! If you are able to read this on your own computer, you are blessed. If you have access to read this on a public computer, you are blessed. If you are able to read, you are blessed. Always keep in mind that things can be worse off, but they're not. So, don't forget to thank the LORD for everything you have because HE has blessed you and HE will continue to bless you as long as you continue to give thanks unto HIM.

As for your musical feed for the day, I'm taking it back to the 90's. Remember this...Enjoy!



Thanks for listening!
...until next time...

Fear

This past Monday was my 25th birthday! Woo hooo for birthdays!! Although, this one came with a bit of stigma. I'm half way to 50, a quarter of the way to 100 and I asked myself, "am I where I want to be at 25?" And the answer is obvious, "no, I am nowhere close to where I want to be at the age of 25" and this scares me; this scares me so bad. It is such an ugly reality check.

In response to this ugly reality, I have asked myself so many questions. These questions include:
~What exactly do I want to do "when I grow up"?
~What do I have to do to get there?
~Am I the person/mother/girlfriend I want to be?
~Do I do my best everyday?
~Do I strive to do even better with everyday?
~Am I happy?
~How do I love?
~Do I love myself?
~In what areas can I change and improve?
But the question that got my really thinking was, "What do I fear?"

It turns out I fear a lot of things. Interestingly, most of the things I fear involves uncertainty. Most people fear what they cannot control, and I am definitely one of them. I fear losing my son, my family, and loved ones to death. There have been many a night I wake up crying. I'm not talking about a few tears in my eyes. I'm talking about my pillow is soaked as the tears fall streaming down my face. Apparently, I fear being chased because I have many nightmares of people, things, creatures, chasing me. I'm not sure what those dreams really mean.

Another major thing I fear is loneliness. Don't get me wrong, I love my solitude, but I fear loneliness. I fear having nobody to turn to when I need someone the most. I fear feeling like I'm the only one looking out for me. I know that I have many people around me who love me and care for me. But, I still fear loneliness. Odd, I know.

My biggest fear, however, is extremely daunting. I fear not getting to where I want to be "when I grow up". I'm can only pray that I am on the road HE wants me to be on. It's frightening because where I am right now is nowhere close to where I ever thought I would be. When I graduated high school, I always said, "I should be doing ______ by the time I turn 25",
"I need to be close to _______ when I turn 25". Well, now, 25 is here and I feel like I don't even see the road I'm supposed to be on. I have considered that perhaps I am on the road I should be on, but there is just a lot of brush and thick trees in the way so I don't exactly have a clear sight of my road. But either way, I fear not being where I'm supposed to be; I fear I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing; I fear not ever getting to where I want to be. I fear I'll never be as successful as I want to be. I fear I won't be able to support my family. I fear I won't reach my full potential.

This fear makes me think that I need a major change. This fear makes me wonder if I should completely change my job. But that in itself is another fear in this economy. Suppose I don't find something. So I think I am best off where I am and what I'm doing at this point in time. This fear also makes me think that I should change my environment. Perhaps it's not only time for a change of environment from my "9-5", but maybe I should also change my 24/7. I have considered moving... but the thought of moving is a fear in itself.

All of these fears cause for extreme headaches. I know it is important not to worry. As my pastor said this past weekend, "If you worry about things you can't change, then you're dumb. If you worry about things that can change, then you're lazy". So I need to worry less, fear less and continue to pray more. I know none of this is in my power, but as humans it is hard to diminish all fears and eliminate all worry. All we can do is strive to do better everyday.

Do you have fears? What are they? What are you doing to fear less? Are they reasonable fears, or are they irrational? It is important to take some time to self-reflect and figure these things out from time to time.

As for this post's taste of music, it doesn't directly relate to fear. But, there are two reasons I chose this one. 1) I love her and 2) I love this track and it makes me wonder if I need to act upon my need for change... maybe one day you may find me there... enjoy!



...and this one is a bonus because I really love her and I love this new track...


Thanks for listening!
...until next time...